Sunday, 7 July 2013

What's next? Anally shooting jellybeans at a moving target??

As a parent, I fight a constant mental battle between wanting to fashion a suit for my kid out of kevlar and bubble wrap and lock him in his room until he turns 30, vs letting him make his own choices, mistakes and decisions that will allow him to grow up into a happy, well-adjusted adult. Usually I take the latter route, partly because I was raised by a very strict disciplinarian father who was (and still is) a major control freak, and I know how much that contributed to a lot of the issues and dysfunctions I have as an adult (not to mention an often-tumultuous relationship with my dad even now). I swore to myself when I gave birth to my son I would not be that parent...that especially when he became a teenager, I would allow him a reasonable amount of freedom and wisely choose my battles. I wouldn't scream or dictate or rule my household with fear as my weapon. And in turn, he would not do the sort of dumbass shit that would give me multiple heart attacks. But even if he did, I was prepared, because I too was a dumbassed teenager once, and figured I knew exactly the sort of dumbassery to expect.

Until he actually became a teenager and I discovered a whole new level of teenaged stupidity disguised as internet "challenges". Apparently getting blackout drunk at lake parties or tying a pallet to the back of a truck and going road-sledding is not quite dumbassed enough for this generation. Snorting condoms and seeing how long you can asphyxiate yourself without accidentally dying is the new 6 pack and a bag of weed. I've already had those uncomfortable conversations with Spielberg about drinking, drugs, sex, STD's, teen pregnancy, internet privacy, and I made him watch Project X to make him believe that any house party he ever would throw in my absence would potentially end with 2000 uninvited guests, an insane drug dealer with a flamethrower and complete destruction of the entire neighbourhood, resulting in millions of dollars in damages, plus a criminal record (lessons learned: do not ever announce you are having a party on any part of the internet. Also, do not steal a drug dealer's garden gnome, because it could be full of Ecstasy and he'll probably want it back).

Anyfuckingways, a couple weeks ago we were watching a Criminal Minds episode about these kids who died playing this online choking game where they would see how long they could asphyxiate themselves for points. I found myself having to grill Spielberg to see if he ever heard of anyone doing this, explain how stupid and dangerous it could be and to make him promise he would never ever do anything that retarded and that he would tell me immediately if he ever came across anything remotely like that online. He seemed a little offended that I would question his intelligence like that and also a little shocked that anyone would choke themselves for shits and giggles, and I seriously could not believe I even had to have this conversation with my 13 year old, BUT YOU NEVER KNOW.

Then the other day I saw this thing on facebook about kids who are snorting condoms and posting it on YouTube (yes, that would be snorting a condom up your nose and have it come out the back of your mouth. Lubed, for your pleasure. Did you just throw up in your mouth a little? I know I did). Apparently YouTube has cracked down and deleted most of the videos, but before they did, at least a couple hundred THOUSAND kids filmed themselves doing the Condom Challenge. I did some stupid things in my day but I can assure you, I never would have voluntarily jammed a slimy piece of latex up my nose and gagged it out of my throat and then stuck a vid of it on the internet so all the world could bask in my epic stupidity. And now I have to have a conversation with my son about the perils of condom snorting, which I'm pretty sure will go down in history as The Most Idiotic Thing I Ever Had To Warn My Kid Not To Do Because If I Don't And He Decides To Choke To Death On A Condom I Will Never Forgive Myself For Thinking This Was Too Stupid To Mention.

I was thinking that I'm off the hook once he hits about 25 and can breathe a sigh of relief that he will have left that level of stupidity behind. Then I remembered my boyfriend's text yesterday, telling me how he almost got struck by lightning at work, and I quote "Yeah, it's right over our heads. Really fucking close. Awesome!!" and realize he's 41 and still enjoys taunting the threat of death with a happily up-thrusted middle finger. So I may be still be screwed even when my kid is an adult if he suffers from Peter-Pan-The-Adrenaline-Junkie Syndrome

22 comments:

  1. OMG. I just...I can't...um, wow.
    Our parents never had to deal with this shit. Seriously. They always talk about how hard it is to be a kid these days? How fucking hard is it to be a PARENT these days? For real.

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    1. Exactly!!! But then I think if this is what I have to worry about with Spielberg, I cannot even imagine what kinds of stupid things his kid's generation will do

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  2. I'll be 34 later this week, and I STILL almost want to try the cinnamon challenge. I really feel like I'm the one person on Earth who could complete it without vomiting.

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    1. don't do it

      http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2013/04/22/cinnamon-challenge-lungs/2096163/

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    2. If my kid wanted to do the cinnamon challenge or the drinking hot sauce challenge, I might be tempted to hold the barf bucket for him. Except I haven't read that link of Lori's yet, so cinnamon may end up on the no-go list after all :)

      I've done more epically stupid things in my life than I can count so I feel like sort of a hypocrite telling my kid not to do something stupid, but that's my job as his mom

      If you do the cinnamon challenge, please make a vid!!

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  3. So because I also have a teenager to warn about this shit, I read her the important parts of your blog. Her response? First horrified, then laughing and saying, "Can you imagine going to the funeral of someone who died from choking to death on a condom? How would you keep a straight face? What a stupid way to die."

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    1. That's similar to Spielberg's response to the choking thing...he thought that was the dumbest game ever

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  4. Dear GOD please let my girls get my common sense and NOT the crap that passes for common sense from Hubs. He would think snorting a condom is HILARIOUS - just enough to pass on the idea that it's hilarious, but not actually try it himself.

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    1. Ha! That sounds like my ex hubs! Unfortunately, my boyfriend would think it was hilarious enough to actually do, so there is no way I'm telling him about this lol

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  5. I do the same thing with my 13yo son. "Are you stuffing your mouth with marshmallows?" "Are you snorting cinnamon?" "You know it's not a good idea to..." (fill in the blank). Every time, he rolls his eyes and says "GOD Mom! I'm not stoooopiiiiddd!" Phew. Now - "Are you being straight with me?" lol In "our daaaaayyyy" it was whippets. But hey - just to be on the safe side? I'm hiding the Jelly Belly's.

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    1. I get the exact same reaction from my kid...but yeah, is he being straight with me or placating me so I'll leave his room so he can get back to jamming condoms up his nose?

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  6. I recently wrote a post about all the things I never thought I'd have to discuss with my kids. Now I have to go find them and figure out a way to work the dangers of condom snorting into a conversation.

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  7. Wow. I have a couple of teenage boys and the condom snort was new to me....what will they think of next?

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  8. OMG... I am never letting my girls become teenagers... NOT EVER!!,!

    Hugs!

    Valerie

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  9. Wow, that is unbelievable! I can't believe how idiotic that is. And also, why? Who first thought of it and how in the heck did it become popular?

    But, yes, I think you are right to realize that you will never be off the hook with your son, because men are complete idiots. 4th of July is a great example. I cannot tell you how many times I've watched grown men almost blow a body part off their body and say, 'wow, cool!'

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  10. That is pretty fucking bizarre. Yep. Man, whatever letter-generation this is, you've got to hand it to 'em - the little weirdos are pretty creative. Also - Condom Snorting would be an excellent band name.

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  11. "Lubed for your pleasure" almost made me snort coffee out my nose which is probably slightly more pleasurable than snorting a condom up my nose. Boys. They never stop doing stupid shit.

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  12. OMG! It's just scary that someone even came up with that.

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  13. Gross! But "lubed for your pleasure" sure made me giggle. I'm glad we didn't have an arena to post stuff on while I was a kid. The embarrasment now...

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  14. My son is not allowed to grow up. Ever. I'm putting a damn brick on his head and keeping him in two sizes too small spongebob pajama's to slow his growth.

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