Thursday, 6 June 2013

This was supposed to be about inventions, but it turned into a post about my 80's hair. I got sidetracked, ok?

This week's Theme Thursday topics is: Things I wish someone would invent

What I should be wishing for is something that would benefit all of mankind, like a cure for cancer or dinosaur home-cloning kits. Seeing how I'm probably in the top 100 of the Laziest People On The Planet and a bit of an asshole, I'm gonna go with wishing for inventions that would benefit me directly and simplify my life. Also because pet dinosaurs may be a really awesome idea in theory, but I think we all know how Jurassic Park ended. Plus your neighbours would probably hate you when your velociraptor ate their toddler or your brontosaurus left Poop Mountain on their front lawn.

 Why has no one invented professional-grade cordless hairstyling tools? You would think an industry that generates billions of dollars a year and is constantly refining/replacing/reworking all forms of hair products would throw a little money towards fixing one of the banes of my professional existence, which is the snakes nest of elevently gajillion cords I am forced to manuver around every day. Between blowdryers, curling/flat irons, clippers and trimmers, the area around my powerbar that all my tools are plugged into is a hazard, not to mention all the cords are ugly as fuck and keep getting tangled up on my tool trolley.

This pretty much sums up my cord situation at work, except picture blowdryers and curling irons in place of the lights
Technology is almost to the point of being able to implant your cel phone in your hand, but they haven't figured out how to make a cordless blowdryer?? I do have cordless trimmers, but the recharger has to be plugged in, which does not solve the cord conundrum. Apparently the rechargeable battery required to power a professional-grade blowdryer would large and heavy and it wouldn't hold a charge long enough (I know this because I ask every single sales rep, every time I see them). Back in the 80's there were butane curling irons, which were AWESOME and I cooked my wicked mall-bangs around mine at least 7 times a day ( Brush. Curl. Wait until bangs start to smoke a little. Leave iron in just a couple more seconds. Pull off the singed bits. Backcomb. Hairspray. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.)




Neither of these pictures are me. But mash-up the 2 hairstyles together and you will get my hair, circa 1986-1989. Trust me, my hair was fucking glorious




Anyways, those butane curling irons seem to have disappeared off the market. Probably because some dumbass was smoking while curling and ignited the butane (I guarantee that happened because everyone smoked while doing their hair because in the 80's we did not fear death by hair-mishap. It was a fact of life and every woman I know in her 40's has at least one burn scar on their forehead from her curling iron to prove it), so they had to take it off the market. And all the 80's girls cried and hugged their Aqua Net close to their chests, fearing their ozone-murdering hairspray would be the next victim (We were not environmentally aware back then. Only dirty hippies recycled, and being able to braid your armpit hair was like committing social suicide, unless you lived on Denman or Hornby Island...then your armpit hair and BO was overlooked because you had the best pot. Did I mention we were also a tad self involved?)

Back on topic: Someone needs to invent cordless styling tools, preferably with an alternate green energy source, because it's about time we started making up for that giant hole in the ozone layer (sorry Aqua Net, but that is decidedly all your fucking fault).


12 comments:

  1. OH. MY. BARF. I had that hair, too. Why on earth did my mother allow me to get perms in middle school??

    ReplyDelete
  2. I would like a spray that dries my hair and eliminates the need for a hair dryer altogether. But in the meantime, I'll take a cordless one you discover!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Ah, 80s hair. I had a version of it, too. What always amazes me now when I think about it, was the fact that most of us never seemed to ever think to check out the BACK of our heads. It always seemed to be this huge claw-like wave of hair and bangs from the front, and flat-as-a-pancake from the back.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Memories. I miss my 80's hair. I used Salon Selectives, though, not the Aqua Net. I smelled perpetually of apples.

    -The Insomniacs Dream

    ReplyDelete
  5. My wife has a permanent burn scar on her back from the time she let one of her two best friends style her hair & she dropped the curling iron. I think that's why the other best friend is the one she still talks to now.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I had friends who had the hair but I just never could invest the energy in learning how to get mine quite so voluminous. I was too busy trying to get laid. True story.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I used to keep my pencils in my bangs. =) PencilS, plural. And my sister is a stylist too, and would love your same invention. =D

    ReplyDelete
  8. Oh I had such horrible perms and then would wear multi-color Benneton sweaters a la Bill Cosby. So. Awful.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Oh, man - too many memories! I now spend more time with my flat iron than with my husband...

    BTW - you can blame Kelly for this, I have a SURPRISE for you!!!!! http://nofilterinstalled.blogspot.com/2013/06/of-roller-coasters-hipster-boots-and.html

    ReplyDelete
  10. When I was younger, I wanted bangs like this so friggin hard. But I was way too lazy to get up in the morning with enough time to allow us h Magnificence. Thus the cool kids in school never selected me as one of their own.

    Well that and because of my deep obsession with Star Trek. Maybe.

    Hugs

    Valerie

    ReplyDelete
  11. Every time I think about 80's hair it brings back memories of the MTV - Rock and Roll hairstyles of that era, lol

    Riding My Own Biography
    NINJA ZX-14 MotoVlog

    ReplyDelete
  12. I just missed the big hair craze, but I do so enjoy looking at other people's mall hair and reveling in the pure, tall insanity of it. Lack of battery powered hair-styling implements is quite the question, though. Why haven't they? They'd need too big a battery? Aren't we making tinier and tinier batteries? Eh?

    Shannon at The Warrior Muse

    ReplyDelete