Sunday 10 March 2013

I think the Car Fairy is on strike. Bitch.

Fact: I am the worst car owner in vehicular history

In lieu of actual maintenance, I believe if I wish hard enough The Car Fairy will wave her magic wand and keep air in the tires, the oil and coolant filled and the Service Engine light that is permanently on is merely a suggestion as opposed to a warning to get thee to a mechanic immediately. I also believe if the car gets me from point A to point B without any pertinent parts falling off, minor explosions or sounding like a dying mechanical animal, then it works just fine. I live in a constant state of vehicular denial...like an alcoholic, I refuse to acknowledge my car has a problem and I really need to turn it over to a higher power, which in this case would be a qualified mechanic.

Case in point #1: the oil dipstick, which broke off a couple years ago. When I remember to put oil in the car (which is likely not often enough), I never have any idea how much is already in there, so I calculate that it probably needs a "bunch" and start pouring until my gut tells me to stop. I call this Zen Car Maintenance...becoming one with your car so you can anticipate it's needs. All my male friends call this "are you fucking insane?? You can't just guess how much oil to put in...get the dipstick fixed NOW before you fuck up your engine, you idiot!!"

Case in point #2: the Service Engine light. Mine is constantly on. Which is actually not a bad thing, because my dashboard lights only work intermittantly, so the ambient glow from the Service Engine light allows me to see the dashboard when it's dark. It's like my car is sensing my needs and behaving accordingly. That's what I like to tell myself, anyway.

Case in point #3: the tires. Which apparently require air from time to time. Last year I got really good about keeping the tires inflated, mostly because 2 of them had a slow leak and needed air at least once every few days. Supposedly, I have a gadget in my glove box you're supposed to use to check the tire pressure, which I didn't know about until my friend went to put air in the tires for me, and informed me one tire was so over-inflated that he was shocked it hadn't blown out and another was so flat I was almost driving it on the rim. This problem was resolved when one of the tires went so flat it was beyond fixing and I had to break down and take it to the tire shop, where they replace the one tire and informed me the other 3 were so bad that legally, they could not let me drive around on them and I couldn't have my car back unless I replaced all the tires...something about no tread, completely bald and belts sticking out. The nice man there found me 3 more used tires that were 1000 times better than my old ones and barely charged me for them...so enduring the safety lecture from him and eyeball-rolling and head-shaking from all the mechanics who took turned gaping at the horrible state of my tires was totally worth it.

Seriously, I should ditch the car and just start walking instead.



18 comments:

  1. I had the flat tire thing last fall. Or maybe it was last spring. I knew they were on their last legs or tread, but the money is so much more satisfying while it's still in the bank.

    I drive an old car, so I am completely sympathetic, even if I try to not count on the Car Fairy too much.

    I've considered taking up bicycling to work - but I don't know if I would have the energy to get home.

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    1. I thought about getting a bike but the last time I tried to ride one several injuries happened and I got mocked for duct-taping a candle to the handlebars to serve as a bike light...in my defense, it was dark out and a lot of liquor was involved.

      Cars are such a moneypit and I'd rather risk death then to pay a mechanic elevently billion dollars to fix all the shit that's wrong with it

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  2. I'm the same way! I ended up blowing the engine on the car I had before I met The Manchild. Apparently, cars don't like it when you drive them (a lot!) for a year without getting the oil changed. Or at the very least, adding more...
    Obviously, the car fairy doesn't like me, or she might have told me that.

    Luckily/unfortunately for me, The Manchild is a mechanic, so when I bitch enough about needing the oil changed, or something that's gone wonky again, he might eventually take a look at it. Right now, I have duct tape on my sunroof, most of my buttons don't work, it makes a rattling sound when I accelerate, the back of the driver's seat (the part with the nifty junk storage on it) resides in my trunk, and you can roll my passenger window down by applying pressure to the glass and sliding it. The window also slowly moves down itself every time I go over a bump. I'm just waiting for the day that I'm driving and it slides down and breaks inside the door or something.

    Someday, I'll actually get my broom repaired and just start flying again. It's SO much easier...

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    1. I haven't had the oil changed in years...my theory is if you run it almost completely out of oil, there's nothing left to change, so why bother? lol

      Your car sounds like it's totally related to my car...I can't even list all the shit that's wrong with it

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  3. LOL! You remind me of Penny from The Big Bang Theory. Great post!

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    1. I haven't seen that show...is she a horrible car-maintainer too?

      Thank you!

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    2. The show is on its 6th season now AFAIK, and her “Check Engine” light has been on the whole time. So yeah. XD

      I have a friend who’s somewhat knowledgeable about cars check mine from time to time, just so he can fix it if he can or have me take it to the shop. The first time I asked him to do it, he walked away shaking his head and told me that he was surprised it was still running. :P

      Sandy Gonzales

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  4. I'm so thankful my husband takes care of vehicle maintenance. Between you and me, I don't even know how to pump gas.....

    betty

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    1. That's why my car is in such a horrible state...car stuff was my ex husband's department and I hate having to deal with mechanical shit.

      You are not alone...I never pumped my own gas until my divorce lol

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  5. OMG.. that is too funny. I can't believe your dipstick broke. That's the same thing I tell my boyfriend I'm gonna do to him at least once a month. I have a P.O.S car too! It sux.

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    1. I can't believe the dipstick has been broken for at least 2 years and I've done nothing about it lol

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  6. You are hilarious! I'm a bit challenged too but I obey the light ;)

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    1. I look at the light like it's a challenge...let's see how long I can drive around with it on before the car craps out lol

      Thanks!

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  7. I'm too worried about getting stuck somewhere not to keep up on my car maintenance. Of course, I don't know how to change my own oil or use that pressure gauge, but I have my husband for that stuff. I know that isn't very progressive of me, but it's the truth.
    Please be safe!

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    1. I don't drive my car anywhere except around town for exactly that reason...I don't want to get stuck anywhere that I can't walk home from :)

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  8. Haha oh I laughed and cried and felt every range of emotion in between.
    It may bring you some comfort to know that you are not alone. Before I became a stay-at-home-servant in Feb I worked at a dealership for years, most of them in the service department.
    Oh the stories I've heard!
    We actually had one customer bring us his engine in three rubbermaid containers. Seriously. And this was from his year old $50,000 car!

    So as far as car maintenance goes you are actually way ahead of some people! It's all perspective! You keep driving that car. ;-)
    (but maybe buy a bus pass just in case.)
    :-P

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    1. OMFG I can't even imagine the story behind the guy with his engine in 3 containers lolol

      I have a bus schedule in my purse, just in case :)

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  9. Sometimes getting a flat tire is not such a bad thing for me, because that’s the time my other tires get their check-up. Then again, I get one or two flat tires in a year, so maybe that counts as an annual check-up? Heh.

    Rita McCall
    Evans Tire & Services

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